Pensacola, Fl - Pensacola Christian College announced on Thursday that they will soon release the much anticipated “THiPhone.” With the recent popularity of Apple’s iPhone, many fundamentalists have been looking for a way to enjoy the convenience of the technology but without compromising their principles by using the “vulgar, base, worldly, accursed things.”
“I’ll admit, the technology is amazing, but I just couldn’t bring myself to buy one,” said Pastor Kenneth Hamperton of Bible Believers Sword of the Lord Baptist Church. “So many people own these phones and are listening to Kid Rock and Snoop Doggy Doo (sic) on them. Now while I wouldn’t listen to such trash I know that someone might see me listening to my iPhone and say ‘Hey look, brother Hamperton is listening to Kid Rock I bet. I guess I can too!’ I don’t want to be a stumbling block. We’re called to be separate you know.”
But the THiPhone, developed by a joint venture between the Science and Communications departments at P.C.C., promises to provide all of the functions of the iPhone but without the “evil” things normally associated with it. The THiPhone has many of the same features as the iPhone but with the following changes.
- Like the popular “ePhod” the THiPhone will not play any songs with “bad” music, such as music with offbeats, hand clapping or distorted guitars.
- The THiPhone comes pre-installed with a mobile version of Net Finney to prevent any Calvinist or Reformed websites from being visited.
- The THiPhone will play videos but only recorded services from the P.C.C. campus church.
- The THiPhone’s camera can only take pictures of modest clothing or the P.C.C. campus.
The THiPhone’s release is planned for this fall with a starting price of $399.
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The above is satirical fiction by TBNN
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Jason Robertson is a husband and a father and a pastor. He is dedicated to leading and equipping his the Church with God’s word and biblical theology for life ministry, using a combination of pastoral, church planting and evangelism experience. He holds a Master of Divinity from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary. He is experienced in church planting, evangelism, missions, and the training of pastors and Bible teachers.
Jason has been preaching the gospel since 1985, serving the first ten years of ministry as a Southern Baptist itinerant evangelist out of Milldale Baptist Church in Zachary, LA which ordained him in 1993. He has preached in hundreds of churches in over 30 States and 4 countries. He planted churches in Siberia, Russia in the summers of 1993 and 1994. He founded Murrieta Valley Church in California, which he planted in cooperation with the SBC NAMB in 2001. He also teaches ministry students at California Baptist University.
You can hear his sermons and read his manuscripts on sermonaudio.com. Just follow the link to "sermons" at the top of this page.
Nice…but here’s my favorite new Christian iDevice:
Introducing…the iBible!
I love satire.
My favorite line: “It quotes itself out of context.” (Though the disco ball is pretty darn hillarious, too.)
I heard it operates on a Biblical telecommunication standard – not one of the world (like GPRS, TDMA, etc.) so as to protect the user from worldly sinful influences. Calls made from the phone may or may not transfer to persons on other networks, but either way you can be assured that your call is as good or better than theirs.
What utter nonsense! With all those icons on the phone, everyone knows that no Bible-believing, anti-idolatry Christian could use it!